comfortably numb

I have not been able to sit still and think this clearly in a very long time. I am not sure how long to be honest. But I am guessing sometime before the birth of my first child, so at least four years now. I have only been taking the medication for three days, but I can already tell a big difference. If you read the information on wikipedia, it is much too early for there to be much of an effect, but I have always been extremely sensitive to medications. Maybe it's just a placebo effect, but whatever, I can definitely tell a difference.

Right now, I am sitting in a recliner with no music on and no radio on. I have just finished studying for the past one hour. That might not seem like much to you, but trust me, it is. It has been years since I have been able to study without something in the background. Really, I haven't been able to study in years. That can make my job difficult, as I am a physician right out of residency that has boards coming up in a couple months. When I was an undergraduate and during the first couple years of medical school, I could sit still and study for hours. Maybe I would take the occasional break, but I could study. And I could remember things. Lots of things. And I could memorize important facts and statistics. Somewhere along the way though, I lost that ability. My mind has been racing for years and it's time for it to slow down. I need it to slow down.

Last Saturday, like almost every other Saturday I can remember,  I paced around the house the entire day. Walking from room to room. Looking out the windows. Looking out the doors. Peeking into the garage. Checking to make sure the doors are locked. Making sure I knew exactly where the kids were and what my wife was doing. Feeling completely bored but on edge at the same time. Wanting to go someone, but not wanting to leave. Not wanting to have to deal with traffic or parking or standing in line somewhere. Not wanting to have to deal with anything. When I get this way, my wife likes to refer to me as a caged tiger. But I can't help it. Maybe I am a caged tiger. But I don't want to leave the cage. I just want this feeling of boredom to go away. I just want to be happy. I just want to be numb. Comfortably numb.